"Better is Better"

For the past few years I have been very sick... not just a cough due to cold as Forest Gump would say... but, sick right straight through my soul.  I can't tell you how I got sick or what caused it... I can't remember waking up one day and saying "man, I think I'm sick"... All I know is that one day I could remember being well... I could look back in time and see that I was no longer myself.  By then I had already been sick for a long time... months or maybe years.  As I look back at the the years before I became sick I can recognize myself... light in my eyes, love in my heart, purpose, destiny and a six pack you could grate cheese on... (that last one is a lie but, what the hey) but now, in the present, when I look back at when I was sick I can hardly recognize myself at all... the whole picture looks dark and blurry I can see things moving around but its hard to recognize them and I can hear voices but they are jumbled and confusing...when I look at the sick me I look like "Gollum" ... pale, shriveled, confused, extreme, fearful and guilty.  It's better to be able to remember what its like to be well.

I remember the spring in my step, the laughter in my spirit, and being able to hold my head up and feel good about my life... I felt good all the time. ... I was happy... really happy... deep down inside my heart joyful... all the time.   I saw the best in things... the potential in others, the goodness in the heart of people... I trusted with my whole heart... believed... had huge faith and the energy to chase the things I dreamed of... not, just my own dreams... I loved helping others reach their dreams.

I remember being so giving, generous, always believing that as I gave I would receive.  When I was well I bought strangers their lunch without them knowing just to see the look on their face.  When I was well I had all the time in the world for others... loved parties and campfires and the sound of good old fun... and speaking of fun... I was fun!

However, when I got sick I slowly started morphing into Gollum... I became selfish, worried and greedy... I was only concerned about what was in it for me and how I could prosper... I trusted no one... no one.  When I was sick I had no dreams and was jealous and resentful of those who did... I envied the well... I hated the "healthy" people... because it reminded me that I was sick...  When I started to realize I was no longer myself my sickness became my "precious"... it consumed me ... I  hated it for what it was doing to me so I hid it ... it became my secret... I kept acting like I was well or at least tried...  but, it swallowed me whole... It transformed me and I couldn't stop it... I tried to ignore it but it constantly whispered my name... it was always there waiting for me... waiting... I prayed that God would heal me... I begged... I pleaded... but, before I would get off my knees I would look across the bed and see the shadowy figure just waiting... and it got me.  (sounded like  a line from Frank Peretti's "This present Darkness" for a minute)

Thinking of getting better was torturous... I would have to admit that I was sick ... at first that was hard to do because I didn't know that I was sick but, after awhile it was just my pride... I was to proud to be sick... people like me don't get sick.  Protecting my image was more important to me than being honest... after all I had been sick before and was miraculously healed... I couldn't get sick again.  To get sick was more than humbling for me it was humiliating...  I would be dependent on others to take care of me... its hard to lets others care for you... it says you are weak, it says your sick, it made me feel like a failure... a burden... I was tired and exhausted all the time I couldn't work like I used to and eventually not at all and that made me feel guilty... because I could remember being well.   So, I would try to act well.  When I was sick and I tried to act well I actually acted sicker... going out for a drink became a hugh risk for all those involved... the embarrassing things I did caused me to feel ashamed...  I was so sick that everything I did was sick and caused sickness... I felt like the walking plague... there was only one thing to do for the good of all those around me... Hide.  So, like Glollum I crawled into my cave of sickness and decided to let it turn me into ... well, Glollum.  I was sick, afraid, hurt, humiliated, guilty, embarrassed, ashamed and isolated...    While in my dark cave of sickness I would remember being well but, it seemed like some distant memory of the shire... just a small ray of light that would illuminate the condition I was in... I could see for those brief moments what I really looked like and I had become hideous... so, I hid from the light.  I went blind I couldn't see one good thing... and I could not understand the words of others anymore.  I could not feel their love or their care.   Everything got filtered through my sickness... I was really sick. 

I was sick.  I was really sick for a very long time... years.  What was my illness?  Depression.  I got depressed... I don't know how or why... could be stress or the common struggles in life but, those questions don't matter.  I got depressed.  It wasn't my fault... it wasn't anyones fault... I got depressed.  I got depressed and I didn't know how to cope with my life.  I tried many things to cope ... to fill the emptiness in my soul... but everything I tried just added weight to the blanket of sickness I was under... ie was heavy like lead and cold ... it shifted with my ever move and just held me down. I wanted to be happy again sooo bad... I wanted to be well again sooo bad... I tried everything.

Like all sickness depression doesn't say "Hey I'm making you sick with depression" ... it lies to you.  Like when your arm hurts cause you are about to have a heart attach.  Depression sends you the false signal that something else or everything else is wrong...  I tried to get better but, my sick mind gave me sick information... my brain was sick... the thinker had a virus, a glitch... and everything I thought was sick... my heart was sick it struggled to love and couldn't feel ... even my soul was infected... it felt black... lost... barely alive.  I was very sick for a very long time.

Then I got Better.

Just like the day when I could look back and see something had changed and knew I was sick... I could look back and see I wasn't sick... I was better.  I am better, I am well, I am thankful, I am soooo thankful.  I have a heart that feels again... it feels everything... my spirit is awake and my soul is free and full of light... It feels good to stand in the sun and feel the warmth ... it feels good to care.  I'm not afraid to be seen... I was hideous but, I'm better.

I don't know how it happened but, I remember what helped and I remember what didn't help.  Booze didn't help it just opened the door so all the sickness on the inside could come outside and harm the ones I love.  Weed didn't help it just made me not care about myself or anyone else.  Yelling did not help... it never does.  However, medication helped, therapy helped... Paddy Ducklow helped... he gave me tools that fixed my ignorance and my arrogance and he helped me realize I could change and not repeat the things that made me sick...  kindness helped, friends helped, my sister helped, Scott helped, loving words helped... my doctors helped... Karen Thrall helped... she helped more than anyone will ever understand.   Madison and Dylan helped... wow... my kids really, really helped.

How did I get better?  I don't know.  All I know is "Better is Better"!

Post Script:  While writing this I was reminded how much Karen, Madison and Dylan had to endure.   Their love and support and words of encouragement... their faithfulness and constant attempts to help will never be forgotten... I can see them now and I can hear them now... you are my most valued sanctified memories.  My heart overflows with gratitude and thanksgiving to you... I recently had the opportunity to speak with some friends who had to care for their mom when she was sick... it helped me see, a little better, the pain each of you endured... I was enlightened by their story and know I can never repay you for all you did and tried to do to take care for me.  I know it was hard, frustrating and exhausting...  I love you deeply.  I know it was very hard to live with me when I was sick... very hard. Thank You for loving me even when I was sick.... and Thank You for helping me get better.

Better is SOOOOO much Better.